My Thread of Hope

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When I think about the last few months I am drawn to reflect on God‘s unwavering grace.  I have had moments of complete Joy, I have seen the way the crest of a wave  disperses on a shell filled beach, instantly changes the heart of a child from excitement to awe, unbridled wonder.  I have shared tears within my own private four walls, over the loss in a season of my life.  Knowing that regardless of the future that this season will never come again, never the same.  The next, something anew fortified, stronger, weaker… different.

Seasons of life they teach us not only the lows that we can feel, also the strength we  gain through trusting in God.  Reach inside pull out the courage, love and grace that you never knew was there.  This season has brought me through another ten amazing christian novels.  My love for the written word has grown over and over as I read new pages new authors.  I find new places in my heart that needed to grow and the words I read became the seeds.

It’s just a Season people say; you will get through it.  Trust in God with all your Heart and He will lead your path straight.  I believe this sitting here on my couch typing this blog, yet when I think about going to the kitchen to refill my coffee, or to head to the office to grab a book, I feel stranded, alone, forgotten….  It is humbling to go from running in the water with your children, to wishing you had spent the last five years buffing up your upper body strength.  Just so you could lift your inoperative body into a wheelchair, or on to a medical bed.  I cherish the nights with my spouse, walking down the hall and kissing my children goodnight or singing the song they Love to Hate to wake them in the morning.  Yet I have stumbled again, no rhyme or reason.  This time both of my legs have decided to leave on hiatus.  Upstairs is a current memory, one I want to make a reality again, now.  Yet in the midst of this stumbling, I choose to Follow, in the midst of this I choose to surrender again.  ~ Take My Life and Let It Be, All for You and for Your Glory, Take My Life and Let it Be Yours”  – (Chris TomlinThis song plays in my head like the constant rhythm of the waves urging me to never forget even if my footsteps are nothing but faint memories in the present, God in His mighty Love, in His endless calling for us to follow, is the strength within me!  I am a grain of sand in His hands of mercy.  He is not testing me to pull me farther from Him, He does not create the pain the suffering or the endless questions and longing for a reason Why??? Now Please hear me, for if I am anything I am only that because of He who has made me!  My God is standing in the Gap between my lack of strength and my earnest urge to survive, persevere and be a shinning light for someone walking in a world where darkness seems to have taken hold.

Today is a gift.  I cherish the smells, sounds and laughter I am enjoying.  The other night My Husband our youngest daughter and I had a small family movie night.  We watched The Life of Pi Wow, what a movie, book – This story of Life, Loss and the gift of believing in God who will never forget you even if you don’t understand how He could have placed you in the situation you are in. Movies that share this are a blessing in today’s society.  God shows over and over how He never abandons us and when we continue to surrender not long for ourselves to be in complete control.  God provides in His timing always in His unique marvelous ways!   – A small side note: Although the movie was rated PG be sure your child is ready for some graphic animal violence scenes before renting the 3D version. (i.e.) I give the movie **** 1/2 stars only because they had two small errors in filming (yes I catch that small stuff).  Spending time together watching a movie or eating dinner, these moments are a treasure I will hold with both hands and a full overflowing heart.

Today keeps tearing at the fabric I have knitted around my heart.  I have learned over time that trials regardless of the reasons they will help us grow are faith and bring us closer to the creator, we only have to be open to His gift.  I being human, being an emotional variety of the female gender, find that trials can make you stronger or leave you weaker.  So many times in my life I’ve been told “In this Business, In this situation, In light of these circumstances, Now that you have survived, overcome, achieved, been awarded, invited too, in today’s times : YOU NEED TO GROW A THICK SKIN”  I just want to clarify, this blog is my way of sharing a set of unforseen circumstances in my life.  Those circumstances have given me the nudges I have needed to grow and learn a multitude of things I had not known before.  I see God in the wind now, I see God in the flowers outside my window, that I planted there five years ago.  I have enjoyed watching it grow.  Today I am not able to go outside touch it, take photos of the bees burrowing inside the buds, drenching their bodies with a fine perfect layer of pollen to carry back to the hive and dropping some on many needed plants along the way.  I am able to see them through the window, I praise God for that.  I will not “Grow a Thick Skin” not any thicker that it is today.  I believe wholeheartedly that God created me this way as a perfect representation of one unique part of Him.  For we in the Glory of our imperfect selves are made in His image, by His hand.  I believe He sees our/my image as a perfect reflection, not something that needs hardening by the trials we are given, but rather to watch us bloom and carry our own pollen/knowledge to the next trial in our life, only to drop pollen, drop love, friendship, wisdom, and experiences to those around us along the way.  So I use this blog to share books that I love, items I have come across that I have found indispensable and believe that you would find indispensable as well.  I also will share some of my trials and my experiences with you.  In that, perhaps you may experience encouragement, knowledge, wonder and a growth of your own Faith.

This is my place of refuge, a place to share little pieces of life that I am unable to express any other way.  Perhaps this will shed some light – I woke this morning to my hands being so swollen that they matched my legs and feet, swollen bubbles with knobs on the end for digits.  My arms are unable to operate the wheelchair well.  I found the desire to cry almost unbearable.  It is not so much my body giving me a war I am still learning to fight, it is that my children had to see mom struggle to pack their lunch and send them off to school.  Rather than lose myself in the fear of this situation, I chose to go to the window open it wide and watch the birds gather worms, the wind rustle up the underside of the growing magnolia.  I could smell the rosemary on the breeze and when I leaned forward-looking hard I could barely see that our blueberry bushes are starting to bloom.  I watched God this morning!  Instead of surrendering to the tears over fear,  I instead surrendered myself to God’s earthly wonderland, watching it work piece by piece in perfect unison.  I’m blessed to be part of that plan, God’s plan in all it’s wonder.  The trial I am currently struggling with will teach me something I was unaware of before.  I believe I will see God’s face even clearer for the journey.  I will see a rainbow and cry my tears that God loves us, will never leave us; NEVER.  He has given me strength to share my struggles with you.  From the nudges He has sent my way recently, I have found the courage to share with you.  May my journey give you strength in your life whatever you may be walking through with God now.

Blessings, Jenn

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Wanting to find the answer to a question of Fear

Christmas 2012

It has been two Christmas‘ now that I have had the pleasure of being confined to a wheelchair. Meaning it has been two years that I have not gone to Church, Slept in the same bed as my husband, ran at the park with my kids, been Jenn. Most everyone probably has seen the slow progression of me going from Jenn with a real positive attitude and Hope. To an overweight and continually gaining woman who does what is to be done and that is about it. THe monster under the bed Syringomyelia and a spinal nerve disorder that has decided to wreak havoc on my body. Then I let it decay my mind and body. I am afraid to leave my home. I am huge, in comparison to what I have been all of my life.  I’m scared of the ramifications of the medication and the longevity of this situation. Everyone wants an update.  I don’t like the question for the answer is Steady the Course.  I am not sure what I am giving back anymore and what I am giving to my children.  Sure I noticed something and sence positive things have happened with one of our children.  That’s me; I over analyse, and question everything.  I also point at a cupcake shaped like a tree and ask my husband if he would like an elephant.  My mind doesn’t want to be witty and smart, catching all the little things nobody else notices.  Sometimes because they are just things, but mostly because they are inconsequential, yet intrigued by them.  I loved being able to know the outcome of a movie.  Now I would like to know the way to sleep.  Its funny the way I Hurt at night, the pain from my body yes; but the pain from loneliness, fear, trapped, I feel so large in my body, I am cold and hot all the time. I don’t know my God anymore and for the sake of my life I need Him!  I need four things :

  1. My God – an awareness that will strengthen me. A mentor prayer partner
  2. My Husband, I need to see Joy in His eyes again – He has had So Much Two Years – I am afraid I am putting too much on Him it is not right.
  3. My Family to know how much I love them and their prayers help. Especially when my smallest one asks “are you feeling better today? can you move your foot?” He is aware and young so young, but he believe God will heal me
  4. I need my Life back – Some version I need to WALK

I have needed to write so much, this is all I can say now.  I will try to sleep for an hour before the day begins.

I am stronger than I could be and weaker than I always have been. – I don’t know what or How but if you can shine a light please aim it this way.

Jenn

ME

May all things come together in time

Today Jesus is smiling on us, don’t you feel it!!! May you Holiday Joy overflow into friendships, random acts of kindness and pure Love. We all need each other, lets prove our convictions.
Let us Love not in word or speech, but in truth and action. 1 John 3:18
Blessings may they flow abundant. Jenn

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A Fresh Start

It’s been a long time coming, that I should write. This seemed the time. We have had so many things happen in the past year and a half and it’s amazing people come out of the woodwork just to give love and friendship, kindness and Joy. Thank you!
Tomorrow a group of people are coming to help complete our home and make it not just user-friendly for me but beautiful. They are doing this out of the kindness of their hearts. Christmas is going to be really hard this year we’ve had some many things happen this year especially with our smallest child and some serious changes in our home the fact that I have not improved and even with a trip to New York not having any diagnosis that we can grasp onto for answers except for try Johns Hopkins or try this. I don’t want to be unable to walk feeling and being disabled for any longer, we are just waiting on God for answers.
I feel blessed that we are going to be the recipient of such love that our family is going to be humbly blessed by His followers, I just pray that all of the people out there should know being a secret Santa to those who have little or are fighting a long battle is a blessing to the secret Santa’s in itself. Feel alive you have given life!
I feel we are being blessed by angels from God knowing that we are so thankful in fact we continue to appreciate your generosity and love that comes freely and abundantly. Were still not where we need to be but we’re okay for the moment I hope to stop crying when it comes to the things that are really hard and I know it will all make sense one day.
Gods promises that, we will also understand the happenings so Lord I just thank you for the people that are so gracious. I pray that in the weeks to come we see more familiar faces, a chance to sit and pray with friends and new extended family God has brought.

May this season be new full of giving of real love and humbleness the way Jesus showed us 2000 years ago. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.

May tomorrow bring love, friendship and the true vision of we are the hands, let us do His work.
Have a blessed evening, I am back and will be posting again soon!
Blessings~Jenn

Tonight

Tonight I feel as if the road ahead has no end.  I am walking this road alone  (In my dream) it just doesn’t seem to end.  My body is weary and my heart hurting. God I am reaching for you.  Will you please send me a rainbow to let me know this is not for nothing, for I feel I have lost more than I have gained.  In every instance there is a moment of uneasiness.  I am at the crossroad of understanding the unending pain and using me for the greater good and heartache.  Sometimes Angels and surprises visits are all that keep you moving.

Blessings ~ Jenn

Surviving Beyond The Police Do Not Cross Line

English: An image of Psalm 23 (King James' Ver...
English: An image of Psalm 23 (King James’ Version), frontispiece to the 1880 omnibus printing of The Sunday at Home. Scanned at 800 dpi. Français : Illustration du Psaume 23 (version autorisée par le roi Jacques), en frontispice de l’édition omnibus du Sunday at home. Version numérisée à 800 dpi. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

Today I believe the image of the police line do not cross is very raw. It feels honest and true. I cannot pinpoint the time or place, where survival turned into a primal need for me. I feel I need to find a place where you don’t have to survive, to exist. The need to carry out emotion for anyone is gone.

 

I am so very sincere when I say, before the incident all I wanted was to enjoy this life,laugh, cry.  I even was to emotional sometimes, but in a weird type of reverse affirmation, I would do anything – you don’t want to know the things and likes I went to make people happy.  “When you can so readily overlook your own wickedness, why are you more clear-sighted than the eagle or serpent of Epidaurus, in spying out the failings of your friends?” I gave somebody my car. I paid rent for people.  Deep down the desire to have someone (God )fill my void manifested by me trying to make sure everyone around me had everything they needed. Even in work, stay up late, try to do the best of the best.  I know this is not what God ever desired. I fell into a circle of affirmation do for you affirmation do for you. I don’t want affirmation, I just want the small group of people who really know me to Love me for being Jenn Quirky as I am. Wanting everyone around me happy is not an obtainable goal nor rational.  It is just the fragments of space left over from the cycle of giving I lived in for so long.

 

I am now seeking God to offer the happiness that is the vail of happiness I think will disappear. So will exploring my cycle of happiness with God accomplish a calm within me. Or change my character to one that finds happiness by serving Him in all things and rejoicing in the happiness that manifest and seeps deep into the part of my soul the Holy Spirit Dwells? I know the answer for the moment I met the Holy spirit my heart changed and so did I.  Forever I want a disciple to be, as my calling. I sometimes say I was a liking to Paul throwing stones at God only to fall at his feet weeping for days.So I asked myself?

 

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3. I have the plank of illness, but no-one can pull it out of my eyes. I am working on reading scripture to myself until the plank becomes a sliver and that sliver I remove with grace. Sometimes I feel I have a lost family I reach out yet they are in a world of calm and understanding. they see not the pain that one can experience or the exhaustion that has no meaning at all.  I find their love pure and true, they have just been lost in the desert many years. God please give me the understanding and perseverance to have the strength to pray for their eyes to see even at my own sufferage.- this hurts the most – “mom did you get my 3 calls and 4 emails?  all about different important things. even today a sister can drink the nectar of those who know of your love but are not dwelling in the pool of utopia. Pain they say is just in your head wondering a path that has many diverse roads, each will take you to a place, the road signs are all but lost.  If I find the road to the flame, perhaps this scripture will will help put out the flames

 

Psalm 32:3-6 The Message

 

When I kept it all inside,
my bones turned to powder,
my words became daylong groans.

 

The pressure never let up;
all the juices of my life dried up.

 

Then I let it all out;
I said, “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to God.”

 

Suddenly the pressure was gone—
my guilt dissolved,
my sin disappeared.

 

These things add up. Every one of us needs to pray;
when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts
we’ll be on high ground, untouched.

 

Then I turn to the pain that are so strong the burning and electricity in my hurt so bad in my hips or legs what then will I do. I must turn to the lord – I Listened as I was reading  the Bible tells us of light and of dark, but never anything but the truth.  I believed my pain would find an end through Psalm 77:1-2  not what you would think but it rested my soul.

 

1 I cried out to God for help;

 

   I cried out to God to hear me.

 

When I was in distress, I sought the Lord

 

    at night I stretched out untiring hands,

 

    and I would not be comforted.

 

     God He is the only one who can hear me – He will hold me tight all will come to fruition.

 

God – The reason I am able to overcome obstacles and yet, the closer I come to him the serpent in all his glory – He has glory for he is able to turn those bound for Christ to him (So Sad). Today was a day I needed God to carry me on his shoulders, rather I needed Him to carry me in His arms.  I kept tripping falling over and over, the same obstacle the same plank in my eye.  For as much as I thought I will survive this I am stronger than any pain.  Pain is not real just a system of nerve responses to stimuli that attack from the world around us.  I wanted a shower, I wanted to take my husband on a mini date –  go get a little snack from the store then watch NCIS together.  This was my surprise. I put the wheelchair in the corner folded up and forgotten – I need you know more, my children had their dinner and a movie to watch.  I said give me a few minutes and I’ll come sit with you.  Two minutes into the shower my daughter wants to know if she can help me because Dad called he’s on his way home and the sweet girl she was she let dad know I was upstairs on my own – the #1 no-no for Jenn.  No more passing out.  No more hurting myself. I claimed a pacifist  yet there are moments I want to shave my head and punch my face in.

 

 

So that’s my story Go let the serpent play with me today as Job, to see if I would hold strong to Him and overcome this adversity.  So what do I do I take it out on everyone and everything I can see for at least and hour.  I became that vision of a person I had put in a box and promised never to let out.

 

The only way to overcome the feeling of loneliness, separated from your family, separated from your God.  IS GOD

 

The only way to find a door out of the screaming in your head and the will of perfection is GOD, Your Heavenly Father – The Holy Almighty!, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Yahweh! and knower of all things great and small! I want to run God let’s satan give us that notion. If we are old enough to have children we know no matter where you go your problems follow. Hard Lesson but oh so true! –

 

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2 (NIV)

 

It is time to reach for the word renewed inch by inch – fall down get up not by the Father, I must surrender completely, repetitively . Get back in the machine, persevere until they find the reason for your neurological pain.  God’s timing is not mine!!!! God I don’t understand but forgive, Love you for your timing it always brings Glory!  He will in His time make me the Beauty he wants me! For His Glory this is me, Broken, but steadfast!! Therefore let my mind be cleansed as with ethanol to a wound keep it from fearing the just the intimacy forgotten – Satan has been Rebuked from my soul~Amen

 

God please use me to share your word with as many people as possible so that I may carry out what you set out for me to do in this condition.  For all the people lifting me up, Thank you is not enough. You are the true disciples of our Father

 

 

Yahweh! Please  send me words of encouragement, come, come I will serve you tea, I will wash your feet, for I am no better than our Father.  I Know I need two or more gathered together so our God will be with us and in us as we pray.

 

May God Carry me – Bessings~Jenn

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Midnight In Jenn’s Brain

EMOTION

I do not like the ability of family far away or just 30 miles to have control over all of your emotions.  Maybe that should not be true, but I live out of a Target bag and a half drank Diet coke right now. I cannot sleep because I am not a home, yet the one person who made it a home besides the eldest makes me feel more messed up as to home every time I talk, yet lets me know how far I have to go for it to really manifest itself in a positive way.  

REALITY – Please Help

When I go to New York Monday,10/1 7 days I pray the DR. and NP say I am a surgical candidate. if soI’m going bald for locks of Love.  I may not afford the trip and all the hospital and extranious items but , I can give twelve inches of my hair.  If you want to help you can donate.  I am sad right now as you can see to many emotions and not enough God.  So I am going to excuse myself and go find him. All Grammar is due to typing with one hand is hard. my fingers have no feeling — Thoracic Outlet – it hurts to sit because of the SI Joint dysfunction. My L1-S1 discs are bulged torn and have annular tears, they hurt. I have a piece if liquid in my spine that should not be their. the Syringnomyelia runs from C1-S1 and messes with all my nerves. I cannot feel my right leg. Actually i cannot feel anything from my 2nd rib to my middle thigh on both sides but I lay low.  Funny not feeling your belly button.  I’m messed up – I have a pain pump in my abdomen that drip medicine in my spine I still have to take meds. Everything hurts, I cannot sleep.  I am always Tired I fall all the time.  I get right sided headache’s that come on with a couch, or for no reason that hurt like I knife through my brain. I cannot raise my arms above my shoulders and if your touch my right armI might hurt you it hurts so much.  I am sorry – I don’t like pity – One day at a time and today all I want to do is sleep. But I have something each day until I leave so. Oh well the thought was good.

I want an electric blanket, and fun scrapbook stuff to tell my SM/CM /SD story DR. B I believe in you.  I also believe in my friends – I will raise what I need and I will make it without fear.  Amen

Blessings~Jenn

 

ASAP American Syringomyelia & Chiari ProjectChiari Institute

ASAP American Syringomyelia & Chiari ProjectChiari Institute

It has been a long road trying everything but Leechs(eww)

So The Chiari Institute called they want me to come up 10/01/2012 yes next Monday!! 

I am excited, apprehensive, scared, nervous, happy, elated, strong, weak, confused. They are doing a consultation for which BJ and I have to fly to New York.When we are there we are expecting to visit with a nurse practitioner followed by a Neurosurgeon.  Te Neurosurgeon will either accept me as a surgical candidate or not. The options are conservative treatment i.e. what were doing, or spinal decompression.

If I am scheduled for a spinal decompression, that will probably take place right away while I am there. That is a process where they enter at the base of your skull and take a piece of your Occipital bone, not enough that your cerebellum would fall.  If that is the plan and I pray that it is, for we have tried so much else.

So that is what is happening in the next two weeks!  A Consultation.  A long awaited Consultation.  That in itself is amazing.  We have a million thing to do before we go, kids, dog, bills, flights, pack, breathe, you know the normal things.

I hope you are all well!!! I truly do. you have been amazing!

Blessings~Jenn

Today, just getting through it little by little…

 

I found a quote today while I was reading my bible, it really infected me, down to my soul.

“A Shimmering Quality”
“Just thinking about Eden sometimes gives me an ache in my chest. I find myself wondering about the pure and shimmering quality of life there that somehow slipped through our finger.
Just picture it. It was nothing to begin with. Nothing. And then God opened his mouth and spoke, and when he did, everything started taking shape. He used his words to make a world! He called forth forces of symmetry and beauty and great power. He laid boundaries of order and balance and proportion. With the precision of a master clockmaker he set in motion the weights and wheels of a perfect creation. And then, seeing the beauty of his own handiwork, he proclaimed with pride, “Good. Good.” And “Very good.” Light, darkness, sky, land, water, winds and tides; plants, trees, sun, moon, stars and planets. And animals flying, soaring, swimming, loping, crawling, galloping. All things in their vast array he created.
Then finally he created human beings, both male and female his shinning glory, whom he put in charge of it all. “Claire Cloninger”

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Its amazing that God in all his infinite wisdom, chose us; Male and Female to be in charge of all of creation. – “All of Creation” not just a section but rather the whole. DO you know anyone in your life who takes the responsibility in so much that it is as given with a pure heart to make sure this world we live in is “taken care of” in a manner that would be pleasing to God?

I Dont!

He also in that decision gave that responsibility to “Us” “Male and Female.” The role of working in a symbiotic relationship with the opposite sex.  Not just the opposite sex, rather the person God created for you, as he created Eve for Adam!

I Have my mate that I believe God intended for me, I don’t know that we have ever spoken to the question: what are we doing with our responsibility to keep this creation by our Heavenly father, one that is pleasing to Him. Have we listened to God? Have we Daughters and Sons of Christ, listened to to the first instructions he gave us? I think we have left that as a frightening question that we believe does not pertain to us.

This creation starting with Eden is the place we should all long to accomplish, together with our spouse, our “male and female”, feed our souls with love, take in the word and place it in the parts of our union only we can reach. He made each of us for each other he made the process of making and keeping Eden for each of us.  We read it.  We believe it, so why don’t we act. Perhaps we feel it is not for those of us. To recreate Eden in our lives, whatever that may look like to each of us.

To some of us Eden May be making it through school and helping others everyday by being a doctor who cares. Taking time to make sure that God is invited into the surgery, lab, MRI, CT, Chest Scan or radiation infusion area before starting a procedure.

To some Eden may be the words God whispers in their ear loud enough that they are able to write a novel that with the proper visibility will change lives. So many authors go through the thorns and branches of the fallen world. Only to find the place where Eden is hidden. Though when they find it, the breath and miracles that form through their words are undeniable.

Today I was given the chance to find my eden – It is partially the photo of the Married couple, for my spouse makes my life a series of blessings upon blessings. Never a moment goes by that I doubt his undying love for me. He holds me hand as I scream for something to make the fire in my leg stop, knowing it is just my neurological system and it is just a waiting game. He covers my face with a wet wash cloth when I am so cold that I know I am going to freeze to death. Have you seen anyone so loving that he helps me make my all fruit and veggie shakes so I can lose weight and help keep my muscles moving. He calls me to make sure I am up for the kids, then sneaks home my favorite chocolate and peanut butter ice cream from Basken-Robbins?

Then I thought of my Eden as the call I am waiting for, or the Church that gave me hope that they were going to come help me reboot my spiritual journey.  Or the idea of taking this five year journey and scrap-booking it in a white book with black pages. Then I remembered I took the wheelchair for an adventure three days ago, I tried to climb the driveway to send a letter.  I called out first, checking to see if there was anyone there to help me along the way. No so off i went.  I made it to a part of the grass in front of the red truck.  Five cars passed, including a black minivan all watching, the girl in the wheelchair climbing a straight up driveway with no power, a mount Everest with a tee shirt on. I had blistered my hands and although stuck, I was not giving in.  Then came the neighbor girl, she just pulled in and immediately ran over. “How can i help you”. “Please place this in the mail.” Let’s get you safe first.” “No, please just put this in the mail, I can hold on.” I did and together we made it back to the house, where I decided, that was not an adventure I would take again – guess I am not running to the store on my own anytime soon.

That was it I found my Eden, it was not given to a woman, to write a novel that changes the world, a political leader that in His own way tries to accomplish the unattainable.  It is not the research in ten different countries backed by Millions of pre-tax dollars striving to fix the energy crisis we have found our self in because we did not read.  The Bible told us how to live, to survive, to find Eden here on earth again and in doing so learn more about ourselves.  We are too Free Willed for creating what we were born to create! We had to separate everything into “theirs and ours”. We question the reality of our circumstances and then spend a lifetime creating a world that in itself will be the death of us.

I found my Eden, in my spouse, my love for life, my belief that God will find a way to create a man and a woman who will together give us the change and chance at living once again, all we have to do is take it.  I will.  Will You?

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God is calling… Do you Hear?

Rainbows are a very special gift God has given everyone.  To me they tell me “You ‘re safe, I am with you!” I trust in that every-time I see the wonderous display in the sky.   A friend and I, would call each other wherever we were to say “Hey, I see a Rainbow, Do you see it too?” A little bit of God Joy shared with so many.  Even if the other person could not see the rainbow the Joy was still felt in the reason for the call. She is to far away to share the same rainbows now, I still think of calling sometimes I do!  Our brain teaches us to do or remember moments or actions long after they have gone or stopped, still reminding us of the feeling or moment years past.

Recently, I Have had a hiccup with my walk with God, I needed a reboot a reason to keep trudging forward in this valley as a loving disciple. I wouldn’t want it an other way. I’m walking with God, or being carried by God, there was no room for Why.  It is not for me to question, rather just jump in. Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. for I a gentle a humble in heat, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” Matthew 11:29-30. For following God, being a disciple as I have been and searched for again was not a suit to wear but father a lifestyle that can change a person’s heart.

Today He was heavy on my heart, calling.  I was not listening, instead paying more attention to the things happening to my body I could not explain. Then it happened~ I was typing a review, there on my left hand is a rainbow as dark as night and as deep as the dead sea.  The most beautiful image if redemption and of promise’s that I had ever seen! All this sitting on my hand from a dangling piece of glass in the other room.  “Wow – Okay God you are shouting now” I really felt WOW all this time I have been struggling, He has been carrying me. Waiting for me to realize even if I fall He will be their not only to lift me up, to guide me through unknown territory.

Then, I was reminded God is not only merciful but gracious.  He didn’t want to just tell me it’s going to be okay. He wanted my family to know mommy was going to be okay too. We had just sat for dinner when a rainbow started ascending in our back yard!  The picture does not do it justice, but wow was it was loud in the house!  The little one was shouting, “Mommy, Mommy look at the rainbow, and the older girl was n her chair pointing and looking in amazement talking about God! We watched it grow quietly for quite a while, taking a few photos in-between the precious moment with my little ones. Suddenly my little man said “Mommy God Loves Us!”  Yes, why Yes he does!!

God likes everyone to know He is their for them regardless of circumstance and current tribulations. Nothing is to Big or Wide for Him to work through. We are just crystalline star-dust in the hands of our Creator, what a wake up call! Needless to say I woke from my questioning slumber to a state passion, Love I was alive in Him again! The Rainbow turned to two rainbows then just as fast it left, not before the calling was heard loud and clear to all in the home.

After my husband got home we talked and shared.  As He turned on the television again, Their it was as bright as day another rainbow on the television! It was part of a show or commercial without rhyme or reason their it was. God had taken my house today, made it a place to feel Joy, share Love and experience the falling if returning to a place of surrender, of awakening’s for us all.  I found I was not the only one stuck, Thank you God for today, I will never forget it   I stopped the television and shared the instances of God in my life today, it was good to talk about Him with my spouse to say “He is in my life” with a small burst of color three times – I thank the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit for letting me know we need not go alone, rather we shall follow wherever God leads.

Isaiah 65:24-25 

Before they call I will answer; 
while they are still speaking I will hear.
25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together,
    and the lion will eat straw like the ox, 
    and dust will be the serpent’s food.
They will neither harm nor destroy
    on all my holy mountain,” 
says the Lord.

Today,  I am a disciple, a child of God. Me, my family will walk through this valley holding Hope for He is with us carrying us when we cannot stand.

Love is a mighty thing, I feel humbled to have experienced the call of Jesus in my time of need without seeking an answer.

Blessings~Jenn