Mom – Friend, enemy, place to blow your nose, place to hold your tears, your fears, your safe haven. Someone to call 24/7 even by screaming your name down the hall. Someone who comes to every game, event, play, fair, reading bowl, track meet, swim meet. Someone to sing you to sleep, rock you to sleep, feed you at 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9am and smile as you wake the next morning. Mom changes diapers that have nothing but toxic substances in them and stuck on you. She ties your shoes, buttons your pants, your shirt, braids your hair, straightens your hair, cuts your hair, dyes your hair. Eats ice cream with you when its been a bad day, places the magic boo boo kisses on knees, elbows, shoulders, foreheads, noses, and has fun band aids. Mom makes the pest tea party guest, breakfast maker, lunch maker, dinners too. Mom will wear the most outrageous outfit if you ask her to, go to loud concerts, stand in line four hours to get tickets to a concert, movie,theme park. She will go with you when you have to see the doctor hold your hand when you have to get a shot, an xray a brace, have surgery. She’s the last one you see at night smiling saying I love you, the first in the morning with the same words. She smells like a mixture of powder and a flower you just cannot make out. Mom will make any meal even if she has to go back out to the store if her baby “needs it” she stays up way late for last minute notices on I need Cookies, brownies, rice crispy treats, or any other 22-26 person item for the next day. Mom always says yes to popcorn at the movie and no to all the extras at the grocery store. She always gets teary when she talks about your birth, you growing up, first day of school, last day of school, moving out, falling in love. Mom is the first person you call when you passed the test, met “The” guy, got in a wreck, got lost, got scared, needed a ride. Mom listens always, mom gives always Mom Loves Always. Mom is a Friend, sometimes it feels like the enemy but really just a bundle of love passing it on kiss by kiss and hug by hug.
Well after 18 months of everything under the sun, I/We made it back to church last Sunday and we are going today! I have to say it is much-needed. I pray I make the connections that I was unable to make last time, so that if things go south, I have a Church Family to lean on!.
The Rain on the windows was beautiful today even the birds thought it light for we watched a Bluejay and a Robin hunting for worms for at-least ten minutes. These are the moments I savor.
God has carried my for what seems like forever – I am glad I am able to start to give back in small ways to the Kingdom, by readings, writing and sharing the Good News! I say if it were not for the love of church in the South, I may never of heard the knocking that was happening on my door. Its been a little over thirteen years now, Wow! I would not trade one moment.
I have learned everything happens in perfect timing – His Timing. I have learned that surrendering everyday brings peace beyond understanding. I have learned that family is a word used for those you can share your love of God with!!
Off to Church I go – A little note for you – May God Bless you with the Love and Charity He has blessed my family with, and May He was their in your darkest hour. Remember you will not see Him there until the rainbow is shinning on the other side of the valley! Oh but such a beautiful site. That being said I will continue to Praise Him in this storm, knowing His perfect timing is at work in my Life!
Blessings to All!
It has been two Christmas‘ now that I have had the pleasure of being confined to a wheelchair. Meaning it has been two years that I have not gone to Church, Slept in the same bed as my husband, ran at the park with my kids, been Jenn. Most everyone probably has seen the slow progression of me going from Jenn with a real positive attitude and Hope. To an overweight and continually gaining woman who does what is to be done and that is about it. THe monster under the bed Syringomyelia and a spinal nerve disorder that has decided to wreak havoc on my body. Then I let it decay my mind and body. I am afraid to leave my home. I am huge, in comparison to what I have been all of my life. I’m scared of the ramifications of the medication and the longevity of this situation. Everyone wants an update. I don’t like the question for the answer is Steady the Course. I am not sure what I am giving back anymore and what I am giving to my children. Sure I noticed something and sence positive things have happened with one of our children. That’s me; I over analyse, and question everything. I also point at a cupcake shaped like a tree and ask my husband if he would like an elephant. My mind doesn’t want to be witty and smart, catching all the little things nobody else notices. Sometimes because they are just things, but mostly because they are inconsequential, yet intrigued by them. I loved being able to know the outcome of a movie. Now I would like to know the way to sleep. Its funny the way I Hurt at night, the pain from my body yes; but the pain from loneliness, fear, trapped, I feel so large in my body, I am cold and hot all the time. I don’t know my God anymore and for the sake of my life I need Him! I need four things :
- My God – an awareness that will strengthen me. A mentor prayer partner
- My Husband, I need to see Joy in His eyes again – He has had So Much Two Years – I am afraid I am putting too much on Him it is not right.
- My Family to know how much I love them and their prayers help. Especially when my smallest one asks “are you feeling better today? can you move your foot?” He is aware and young so young, but he believe God will heal me
- I need my Life back – Some version I need to WALK
I have needed to write so much, this is all I can say now. I will try to sleep for an hour before the day begins.
I am stronger than I could be and weaker than I always have been. – I don’t know what or How but if you can shine a light please aim it this way.
It’s been a long time coming, that I should write. This seemed the time. We have had so many things happen in the past year and a half and it’s amazing people come out of the woodwork just to give love and friendship, kindness and Joy. Thank you!
Tomorrow a group of people are coming to help complete our home and make it not just user-friendly for me but beautiful. They are doing this out of the kindness of their hearts. Christmas is going to be really hard this year we’ve had some many things happen this year especially with our smallest child and some serious changes in our home the fact that I have not improved and even with a trip to New York not having any diagnosis that we can grasp onto for answers except for try Johns Hopkins or try this. I don’t want to be unable to walk feeling and being disabled for any longer, we are just waiting on God for answers.
I feel blessed that we are going to be the recipient of such love that our family is going to be humbly blessed by His followers, I just pray that all of the people out there should know being a secret Santa to those who have little or are fighting a long battle is a blessing to the secret Santa’s in itself. Feel alive you have given life!
I feel we are being blessed by angels from God knowing that we are so thankful in fact we continue to appreciate your generosity and love that comes freely and abundantly. Were still not where we need to be but we’re okay for the moment I hope to stop crying when it comes to the things that are really hard and I know it will all make sense one day.
Gods promises that, we will also understand the happenings so Lord I just thank you for the people that are so gracious. I pray that in the weeks to come we see more familiar faces, a chance to sit and pray with friends and new extended family God has brought.
May this season be new full of giving of real love and humbleness the way Jesus showed us 2000 years ago. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.
May tomorrow bring love, friendship and the true vision of we are the hands, let us do His work.
Have a blessed evening, I am back and will be posting again soon!
Tonight I feel as if the road ahead has no end. I am walking this road alone (In my dream) it just doesn’t seem to end. My body is weary and my heart hurting. God I am reaching for you. Will you please send me a rainbow to let me know this is not for nothing, for I feel I have lost more than I have gained. In every instance there is a moment of uneasiness. I am at the crossroad of understanding the unending pain and using me for the greater good and heartache. Sometimes Angels and surprises visits are all that keep you moving.
Blessings ~ Jenn
One day tells its tale to another and one night imparts knowledge to another, although they have no words or language, and their voices are not heard, their sound has gone out into all the lands, and their message to the ends of the world. -- Psalm 19:2-4
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