Mom – Friend, enemy, place to blow your nose, place to hold your tears, your fears, your safe haven. Someone to call 24/7 even by screaming your name down the hall. Someone who comes to every game, event, play, fair, reading bowl, track meet, swim meet. Someone to sing you to sleep, rock you to sleep, feed you at 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9am and smile as you wake the next morning. Mom changes diapers that have nothing but toxic substances in them and stuck on you. She ties your shoes, buttons your pants, your shirt, braids your hair, straightens your hair, cuts your hair, dyes your hair. Eats ice cream with you when its been a bad day, places the magic boo boo kisses on knees, elbows, shoulders, foreheads, noses, and has fun band aids. Mom makes the pest tea party guest, breakfast maker, lunch maker, dinners too. Mom will wear the most outrageous outfit if you ask her to, go to loud concerts, stand in line four hours to get tickets to a concert, movie,theme park. She will go with you when you have to see the doctor hold your hand when you have to get a shot, an xray a brace, have surgery. She’s the last one you see at night smiling saying I love you, the first in the morning with the same words. She smells like a mixture of powder and a flower you just cannot make out. Mom will make any meal even if she has to go back out to the store if her baby “needs it” she stays up way late for last minute notices on I need Cookies, brownies, rice crispy treats, or any other 22-26 person item for the next day. Mom always says yes to popcorn at the movie and no to all the extras at the grocery store. She always gets teary when she talks about your birth, you growing up, first day of school, last day of school, moving out, falling in love. Mom is the first person you call when you passed the test, met “The” guy, got in a wreck, got lost, got scared, needed a ride. Mom listens always, mom gives always Mom Loves Always. Mom is a Friend, sometimes it feels like the enemy but really just a bundle of love passing it on kiss by kiss and hug by hug.
When I think about the last few months I am drawn to reflect on God‘s unwavering grace. I have had moments of complete Joy, I have seen the way the crest of a wave disperses on a shell filled beach, instantly changes the heart of a child from excitement to awe, unbridled wonder. I have shared tears within my own private four walls, over the loss in a season of my life. Knowing that regardless of the future that this season will never come again, never the same. The next, something anew fortified, stronger, weaker… different.
Seasons of life they teach us not only the lows that we can feel, also the strength we gain through trusting in God. Reach inside pull out the courage, love and grace that you never knew was there. This season has brought me through another ten amazing christian novels. My love for the written word has grown over and over as I read new pages new authors. I find new places in my heart that needed to grow and the words I read became the seeds.
It’s just a Season people say; you will get through it. Trust in God with all your Heart and He will lead your path straight. I believe this sitting here on my couch typing this blog, yet when I think about going to the kitchen to refill my coffee, or to head to the office to grab a book, I feel stranded, alone, forgotten…. It is humbling to go from running in the water with your children, to wishing you had spent the last five years buffing up your upper body strength. Just so you could lift your inoperative body into a wheelchair, or on to a medical bed. I cherish the nights with my spouse, walking down the hall and kissing my children goodnight or singing the song they Love to Hate to wake them in the morning. Yet I have stumbled again, no rhyme or reason. This time both of my legs have decided to leave on hiatus. Upstairs is a current memory, one I want to make a reality again, now. Yet in the midst of this stumbling, I choose to Follow, in the midst of this I choose to surrender again. ~ “Take My Life and Let It Be, All for You and for Your Glory, Take My Life and Let it Be Yours” – (Chris Tomlin) This song plays in my head like the constant rhythm of the waves urging me to never forget even if my footsteps are nothing but faint memories in the present, God in His mighty Love, in His endless calling for us to follow, is the strength within me! I am a grain of sand in His hands of mercy. He is not testing me to pull me farther from Him, He does not create the pain the suffering or the endless questions and longing for a reason Why??? Now Please hear me, for if I am anything I am only that because of He who has made me! My God is standing in the Gap between my lack of strength and my earnest urge to survive, persevere and be a shinning light for someone walking in a world where darkness seems to have taken hold.
Today is a gift. I cherish the smells, sounds and laughter I am enjoying. The other night My Husband our youngest daughter and I had a small family movie night. We watched “The Life of Pi“ Wow, what a movie, book – This story of Life, Loss and the gift of believing in God who will never forget you even if you don’t understand how He could have placed you in the situation you are in. Movies that share this are a blessing in today’s society. God shows over and over how He never abandons us and when we continue to surrender not long for ourselves to be in complete control. God provides in His timing always in His unique marvelous ways! – A small side note: Although the movie was rated PG be sure your child is ready for some graphic animal violence scenes before renting the 3D version. (i.e.) I give the movie **** 1/2 stars only because they had two small errors in filming (yes I catch that small stuff). Spending time together watching a movie or eating dinner, these moments are a treasure I will hold with both hands and a full overflowing heart.
Today keeps tearing at the fabric I have knitted around my heart. I have learned over time that trials regardless of the reasons they will help us grow are faith and bring us closer to the creator, we only have to be open to His gift. I being human, being an emotional variety of the female gender, find that trials can make you stronger or leave you weaker. So many times in my life I’ve been told “In this Business, In this situation, In light of these circumstances, Now that you have survived, overcome, achieved, been awarded, invited too, in today’s times : YOU NEED TO GROW A THICK SKIN” I just want to clarify, this blog is my way of sharing a set of unforseen circumstances in my life. Those circumstances have given me the nudges I have needed to grow and learn a multitude of things I had not known before. I see God in the wind now, I see God in the flowers outside my window, that I planted there five years ago. I have enjoyed watching it grow. Today I am not able to go outside touch it, take photos of the bees burrowing inside the buds, drenching their bodies with a fine perfect layer of pollen to carry back to the hive and dropping some on many needed plants along the way. I am able to see them through the window, I praise God for that. I will not “Grow a Thick Skin” not any thicker that it is today. I believe wholeheartedly that God created me this way as a perfect representation of one unique part of Him. For we in the Glory of our imperfect selves are made in His image, by His hand. I believe He sees our/my image as a perfect reflection, not something that needs hardening by the trials we are given, but rather to watch us bloom and carry our own pollen/knowledge to the next trial in our life, only to drop pollen, drop love, friendship, wisdom, and experiences to those around us along the way. So I use this blog to share books that I love, items I have come across that I have found indispensable and believe that you would find indispensable as well. I also will share some of my trials and my experiences with you. In that, perhaps you may experience encouragement, knowledge, wonder and a growth of your own Faith.
This is my place of refuge, a place to share little pieces of life that I am unable to express any other way. Perhaps this will shed some light – I woke this morning to my hands being so swollen that they matched my legs and feet, swollen bubbles with knobs on the end for digits. My arms are unable to operate the wheelchair well. I found the desire to cry almost unbearable. It is not so much my body giving me a war I am still learning to fight, it is that my children had to see mom struggle to pack their lunch and send them off to school. Rather than lose myself in the fear of this situation, I chose to go to the window open it wide and watch the birds gather worms, the wind rustle up the underside of the growing magnolia. I could smell the rosemary on the breeze and when I leaned forward-looking hard I could barely see that our blueberry bushes are starting to bloom. I watched God this morning! Instead of surrendering to the tears over fear, I instead surrendered myself to God’s earthly wonderland, watching it work piece by piece in perfect unison. I’m blessed to be part of that plan, God’s plan in all it’s wonder. The trial I am currently struggling with will teach me something I was unaware of before. I believe I will see God’s face even clearer for the journey. I will see a rainbow and cry my tears that God loves us, will never leave us; NEVER. He has given me strength to share my struggles with you. From the nudges He has sent my way recently, I have found the courage to share with you. May my journey give you strength in your life whatever you may be walking through with God now.
Well after 18 months of everything under the sun, I/We made it back to church last Sunday and we are going today! I have to say it is much-needed. I pray I make the connections that I was unable to make last time, so that if things go south, I have a Church Family to lean on!.
The Rain on the windows was beautiful today even the birds thought it light for we watched a Bluejay and a Robin hunting for worms for at-least ten minutes. These are the moments I savor.
God has carried my for what seems like forever – I am glad I am able to start to give back in small ways to the Kingdom, by readings, writing and sharing the Good News! I say if it were not for the love of church in the South, I may never of heard the knocking that was happening on my door. Its been a little over thirteen years now, Wow! I would not trade one moment.
I have learned everything happens in perfect timing – His Timing. I have learned that surrendering everyday brings peace beyond understanding. I have learned that family is a word used for those you can share your love of God with!!
Off to Church I go – A little note for you – May God Bless you with the Love and Charity He has blessed my family with, and May He was their in your darkest hour. Remember you will not see Him there until the rainbow is shinning on the other side of the valley! Oh but such a beautiful site. That being said I will continue to Praise Him in this storm, knowing His perfect timing is at work in my Life!
Blessings to All!
Quest for the Nail Prints by Don Furr is a journey of three unrelated people to the time of Christ for reasons they do not know. Elisabeth is a Flight MED Doctor and was heading to Israel to set up a clinic there for trauma patients. She is a believer. Paul is a pastor who is going on a Honeymoon gift from his mother and sick stepfather, without his wife because she is fearful of the area and time – it has always been his dream and she wants him to live it. The third traveler is a Professor of Religious studies, who by all accounts is without any religion whatsoever. The three end up on multiple planes together find a sort of bond or rather a mutual destination. Elisabeth has three free days and decides to go sight-seeing with Paul, the professors flight gets cancelled and he ends up with them – then one two-three round a corner three strange events running and suddenly Paul is seeing Jesus enter the Holy City on Palm City! The story wraps around and around drawing you in and weaving you into the tapestry – one moment in the garden of the night before the crucifixion it’s said in the bible a man ran out of his cloths – when really in the dark and struggle the soldiers had torn Elisabeth’s outer garments off her. They were part of the bible we know now, then always. Even the black man who carried the cross was important and a soldier he also seemed from the future playing out a part in the last days of Christ.
This book touches the heart and soul of every christian, jew, and non believer alike. I can see a non believer accepting Christ as their Lord and Savior on their knees as they finish this book, and not because of time travel, rather how important the events that took place 2000 years ago. How we simply let them fall to the wayside as ashes from a forgotten fire. I know that the story of Mary and Martha was one of the most important stories in my life. I found solace in the giving of the alabaster oil on Jesus feet before dinner instead of waiting to use it on His body at the time of His death. I had fallen away forgotten the moment the breath the meaning the feelings around the table the way Jesus had to teach His Disciples the grand gift that He had just been given. This book takes the moments and breathes life into them and lays them out for the reader to not only read but to feel and taste, to experience. Where were you when Christ was Crucified? I was weeping.
This book very well should be the book that changes the lives of this current generation. It is not a hoax, not a bunch of smoke and mirrors. Rather it is Life, History-Our History, our freedom from Sin, our Bridge to the Father, the new covenant told in a way that just may make you ask another question about His return.
Please I welcome all your feedback, comments and questions.
It just blew me away. First I believe that we are not the only lone souls, weaved into a magnificent tapestry by God. I believe in my soul my heartbeat, in my love of life my love of faith my yearning for knowledge of God.I believe that each person that is set upon this on this earth christian or a life yet to find Christ will be weaved through and throughout His mighty tapestry. Weaved in, in a way that leads only to inevitable glory of His mighty Kingdom. Perhaps I am still fresh in my faith and am star struck by the Love and Grace. He so freely gave, to me, to all. Especially on the cross. The thief at His side who said ” I will never see the promised land for I have sinned too much – and Jesus of Nazareth, spoke in words only a messiah on a cross dying a horrible death could say said, son for you have seen your ways were wrong and repented, tonight you will be with me in the promised land.” Wow A small word on a death-bed and all is forgiven –
That Moment when He said you will be with me and the Father in Heaven tonight. – I believe He was not only being true, so honest it was above miraculous. Though people must understand Christ is a sounding board for forgiveness in your hour of need. Though, He is not an answer to the, I will sin all my life and use this “Forgive Christ” as a scape goat, as a pass, as a way from the fires of Hell, into eternal peace at deaths last moment. Repenting is a part of the spirit and comes for deep within. the thief had that repentance. I do not believe many that choose the easy option will or do.
I say that for I have to repent each day and I am yet a mother with three amazing children and a husband who is more kind to may than the Robin is to her hatchlings in early spring. It takes time effort and real honest, true belief and surrender to learn honest repentance.
The thought that we are part of a tapestry of Gods/Christs tapestry for the magnificent pattern He is creating makes me feel even more resolute in the forward motion of my dreams my surrender, my following my hearts leading. For in my heart I believe the Holy Spirit not only dwells buts speaks.
tomorrow I shall speak to the tapestry I think He is creating in me tonight I leave you with a question… What do you thing He is creating in you?
For we are all the vine and without each other we are …..
I received a book “Quest for the Nail Prints” by Don Furr. According to is cover;
Three ordinary people are chosen by God for an extraordinary experience, one so incredible that even they have a hard time believing it is real. Through unrelated circumstances, the three travelers find themselves sharing a journey to the Holy Land when suddenly there are thrust back in time nearly two thousand years, coming face-to-face with the rugged radical Nazarene known throughout the land as Jesus of Nazareth.
This is the story of how a personal encounter with the living Christ and his time creates the journey of a lifetime!
I have been personally changed by the way Don writes in an honest real human voice. I cannot put it down! There is a hole through the middle of the book, it has a great explanation one that you should experience yourself. Find your heart with Christ feel the sins being washed clean as the blood is spilled I for one am struck in the deepest part of my soul, this book is a testament to Faith , Hope and Love.
I hope to talk with Don and share more soon until then go get yourself s copy.
Quest for the Nail Prints
Also The Book Network The Book Network has a great group on the Quest as well as the Nails. They have amazing conversation. Don’t miss out!
Blessings to each of you – glad to be back writing again. Please check out this book and let me know what you think! Jenn
It has been two Christmas‘ now that I have had the pleasure of being confined to a wheelchair. Meaning it has been two years that I have not gone to Church, Slept in the same bed as my husband, ran at the park with my kids, been Jenn. Most everyone probably has seen the slow progression of me going from Jenn with a real positive attitude and Hope. To an overweight and continually gaining woman who does what is to be done and that is about it. THe monster under the bed Syringomyelia and a spinal nerve disorder that has decided to wreak havoc on my body. Then I let it decay my mind and body. I am afraid to leave my home. I am huge, in comparison to what I have been all of my life. I’m scared of the ramifications of the medication and the longevity of this situation. Everyone wants an update. I don’t like the question for the answer is Steady the Course. I am not sure what I am giving back anymore and what I am giving to my children. Sure I noticed something and sence positive things have happened with one of our children. That’s me; I over analyse, and question everything. I also point at a cupcake shaped like a tree and ask my husband if he would like an elephant. My mind doesn’t want to be witty and smart, catching all the little things nobody else notices. Sometimes because they are just things, but mostly because they are inconsequential, yet intrigued by them. I loved being able to know the outcome of a movie. Now I would like to know the way to sleep. Its funny the way I Hurt at night, the pain from my body yes; but the pain from loneliness, fear, trapped, I feel so large in my body, I am cold and hot all the time. I don’t know my God anymore and for the sake of my life I need Him! I need four things :
- My God – an awareness that will strengthen me. A mentor prayer partner
- My Husband, I need to see Joy in His eyes again – He has had So Much Two Years – I am afraid I am putting too much on Him it is not right.
- My Family to know how much I love them and their prayers help. Especially when my smallest one asks “are you feeling better today? can you move your foot?” He is aware and young so young, but he believe God will heal me
- I need my Life back – Some version I need to WALK
I have needed to write so much, this is all I can say now. I will try to sleep for an hour before the day begins.
I am stronger than I could be and weaker than I always have been. – I don’t know what or How but if you can shine a light please aim it this way.
It’s been a long time coming, that I should write. This seemed the time. We have had so many things happen in the past year and a half and it’s amazing people come out of the woodwork just to give love and friendship, kindness and Joy. Thank you!
Tomorrow a group of people are coming to help complete our home and make it not just user-friendly for me but beautiful. They are doing this out of the kindness of their hearts. Christmas is going to be really hard this year we’ve had some many things happen this year especially with our smallest child and some serious changes in our home the fact that I have not improved and even with a trip to New York not having any diagnosis that we can grasp onto for answers except for try Johns Hopkins or try this. I don’t want to be unable to walk feeling and being disabled for any longer, we are just waiting on God for answers.
I feel blessed that we are going to be the recipient of such love that our family is going to be humbly blessed by His followers, I just pray that all of the people out there should know being a secret Santa to those who have little or are fighting a long battle is a blessing to the secret Santa’s in itself. Feel alive you have given life!
I feel we are being blessed by angels from God knowing that we are so thankful in fact we continue to appreciate your generosity and love that comes freely and abundantly. Were still not where we need to be but we’re okay for the moment I hope to stop crying when it comes to the things that are really hard and I know it will all make sense one day.
Gods promises that, we will also understand the happenings so Lord I just thank you for the people that are so gracious. I pray that in the weeks to come we see more familiar faces, a chance to sit and pray with friends and new extended family God has brought.
May this season be new full of giving of real love and humbleness the way Jesus showed us 2000 years ago. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.
May tomorrow bring love, friendship and the true vision of we are the hands, let us do His work.
Have a blessed evening, I am back and will be posting again soon!
Tonight I feel as if the road ahead has no end. I am walking this road alone (In my dream) it just doesn’t seem to end. My body is weary and my heart hurting. God I am reaching for you. Will you please send me a rainbow to let me know this is not for nothing, for I feel I have lost more than I have gained. In every instance there is a moment of uneasiness. I am at the crossroad of understanding the unending pain and using me for the greater good and heartache. Sometimes Angels and surprises visits are all that keep you moving.
Blessings ~ Jenn