Thinking about the world in a way that is two years in a chair, makes you realize the pain you have been hiding. I see pictures of me so much shorter than my husband – who by the way should be Husband of the century for the things he does to a young wife. He goes out of his way to make “Life” more able for me and is my Cheerleader all the way. I was so stuck in the bubble that I was a burden, I never stopped to see all that he has/had done.
Though, I know I am down and that is not healthy for creative energy. I love to scrapbook – yet it is so hard to see photos of me standing playing, holding my children. I have left it full of cobwebs if you will. I want to know what is going on outside these doors, what is happening around the block. I am heavier now than I have ever been and it scares me. I don’t look in mirrors unless it is very very important to do so.
I realize that life is a bunch of choices, God never gives us more than we can handle. I scream- what what am I doing to Glorify My Heavenly Father here in this chair?? Alone at home without even the inability to cross the threshold from inside to outside…. I see few people – who wants to visit someone who might be in a bought of pain when you happen by? I missed my own birthday party last year. People were there for me and my son, to love and be elated with us. I was stuck in bed for almost a week.
I did it again, I keep thinking I can blog, my heart wants to tell you of all the amazing ideas that run through my head – when I end up here knowing I am disabled, and have not gone through the grief that goes with that. For I know every step forward has lead me two steps back.
I Hurt, and hurting people are not fun to be around. I am reading the bible and a few Christian novels, working on cheering up my day to day disposition. For whatever reason I am falling short. I try to move more when people are not here to try to loose some weight or relieve some pain and they ask me days later about a bruise, and I say, “Oh I just had a little stumble”- Hence the acting. My Doctors call me a rare case. The Hospital sent me home told me to stay with the pain management until something worse happens that we may be able to do something about.
Heres to God – I have Surrendered and will daily – help me find me! Help me understand my new life.
I Pray to anyone who reads this, has an amazing relationship with God. Is Healthy and doesn’t take that for granted. Do all you can do. Paint a masterpiece, build a monument for the feeling inside – Glorify Him in all you do and Sing Praise!!!
May God find a special place in His kingdom to send an angel down to heal a hurt relationship make all the misunderstandings whole and bring new life to that part of me that cries out ~Amen and Amen
Here’s to trying again soon – Jenn