It has been two Christmas‘ now that I have had the pleasure of being confined to a wheelchair. Meaning it has been two years that I have not gone to Church, Slept in the same bed as my husband, ran at the park with my kids, been Jenn. Most everyone probably has seen the slow progression of me going from Jenn with a real positive attitude and Hope. To an overweight and continually gaining woman who does what is to be done and that is about it. THe monster under the bed Syringomyelia and a spinal nerve disorder that has decided to wreak havoc on my body. Then I let it decay my mind and body. I am afraid to leave my home. I am huge, in comparison to what I have been all of my life. I’m scared of the ramifications of the medication and the longevity of this situation. Everyone wants an update. I don’t like the question for the answer is Steady the Course. I am not sure what I am giving back anymore and what I am giving to my children. Sure I noticed something and sence positive things have happened with one of our children. That’s me; I over analyse, and question everything. I also point at a cupcake shaped like a tree and ask my husband if he would like an elephant. My mind doesn’t want to be witty and smart, catching all the little things nobody else notices. Sometimes because they are just things, but mostly because they are inconsequential, yet intrigued by them. I loved being able to know the outcome of a movie. Now I would like to know the way to sleep. Its funny the way I Hurt at night, the pain from my body yes; but the pain from loneliness, fear, trapped, I feel so large in my body, I am cold and hot all the time. I don’t know my God anymore and for the sake of my life I need Him! I need four things :
- My God – an awareness that will strengthen me. A mentor prayer partner
- My Husband, I need to see Joy in His eyes again – He has had So Much Two Years – I am afraid I am putting too much on Him it is not right.
- My Family to know how much I love them and their prayers help. Especially when my smallest one asks “are you feeling better today? can you move your foot?” He is aware and young so young, but he believe God will heal me
- I need my Life back – Some version I need to WALK
I have needed to write so much, this is all I can say now. I will try to sleep for an hour before the day begins.
I am stronger than I could be and weaker than I always have been. – I don’t know what or How but if you can shine a light please aim it this way.