Wanting to find the answer to a question of Fear

Christmas 2012

It has been two Christmas‘ now that I have had the pleasure of being confined to a wheelchair. Meaning it has been two years that I have not gone to Church, Slept in the same bed as my husband, ran at the park with my kids, been Jenn. Most everyone probably has seen the slow progression of me going from Jenn with a real positive attitude and Hope. To an overweight and continually gaining woman who does what is to be done and that is about it. THe monster under the bed Syringomyelia and a spinal nerve disorder that has decided to wreak havoc on my body. Then I let it decay my mind and body. I am afraid to leave my home. I am huge, in comparison to what I have been all of my life.  I’m scared of the ramifications of the medication and the longevity of this situation. Everyone wants an update.  I don’t like the question for the answer is Steady the Course.  I am not sure what I am giving back anymore and what I am giving to my children.  Sure I noticed something and sence positive things have happened with one of our children.  That’s me; I over analyse, and question everything.  I also point at a cupcake shaped like a tree and ask my husband if he would like an elephant.  My mind doesn’t want to be witty and smart, catching all the little things nobody else notices.  Sometimes because they are just things, but mostly because they are inconsequential, yet intrigued by them.  I loved being able to know the outcome of a movie.  Now I would like to know the way to sleep.  Its funny the way I Hurt at night, the pain from my body yes; but the pain from loneliness, fear, trapped, I feel so large in my body, I am cold and hot all the time. I don’t know my God anymore and for the sake of my life I need Him!  I need four things :

  1. My God – an awareness that will strengthen me. A mentor prayer partner
  2. My Husband, I need to see Joy in His eyes again – He has had So Much Two Years – I am afraid I am putting too much on Him it is not right.
  3. My Family to know how much I love them and their prayers help. Especially when my smallest one asks “are you feeling better today? can you move your foot?” He is aware and young so young, but he believe God will heal me
  4. I need my Life back – Some version I need to WALK

I have needed to write so much, this is all I can say now.  I will try to sleep for an hour before the day begins.

I am stronger than I could be and weaker than I always have been. – I don’t know what or How but if you can shine a light please aim it this way.




5 thoughts on “Wanting to find the answer to a question of Fear

  1. Though we are physically across the country from one another, I still hold you close in my thoughts and prayers. I know that we might not pray the same way, but I’m happy to do it with/for you. I can empathize and relate to the 1-4’s and if nothing else, would love to be a sounding board for you.

    Love, Laura

  2. I want to pray God’s Word over you, Jenn! Know that you are not alone. God is with you. Don’t ever stop believing. That’s just want the devil wants.

    Heavenly Father, we enter Your gates with praise that You are hearing this prayer. When Jesus walked this earth He never turned anyway away who came to Him for healing. Lord, Your Word says, “Many followed him, and he healed ALL their sick” (Matthew 12:15).“…and the people all tried to touch him, because power was coming from him and healing them ALL” (Luke 6:19). “…and he drove out the spirits with a word and healed ALL the sick” (Matthew 8:16). “…and people brought to him ALL who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and he healed them” (Matthew 4:24). By the same power that You displayed in Jesus, we come to You asking that You pour out Your power in Jenn’s body and bring healing to her whole body, mind and spirit. May her light break forth like the dawn, and her healing quickly appear. Then her righteousness will go before her, and the glory of the Lord will be her rear guard (Isaiah 58:8). We praise You that Your Word will not return void but will bring healing to Jenn’s body (Isaiah 55:11). In the name of Jesus, we pray. Amen!

  3. Jesus loves u and that’s what I know. I love u so never give up because he will renew your health and strength. I am a very good friend to your mom and dad. Keep the faith I love u

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