Today I believe the image of the police line do not cross is very raw. It feels honest and true. I cannot pinpoint the time or place, where survival turned into a primal need for me. I feel I need to find a place where you don’t have to survive, to exist. The need to carry out emotion for anyone is gone.
I am so very sincere when I say, before the incident all I wanted was to enjoy this life,laugh, cry. I even was to emotional sometimes, but in a weird type of reverse affirmation, I would do anything – you don’t want to know the things and likes I went to make people happy. “When you can so readily overlook your own wickedness, why are you more clear-sighted than the eagle or serpent of Epidaurus, in spying out the failings of your friends?” I gave somebody my car. I paid rent for people. Deep down the desire to have someone (God )fill my void manifested by me trying to make sure everyone around me had everything they needed. Even in work, stay up late, try to do the best of the best. I know this is not what God ever desired. I fell into a circle of affirmation do for you affirmation do for you. I don’t want affirmation, I just want the small group of people who really know me to Love me for being Jenn Quirky as I am. Wanting everyone around me happy is not an obtainable goal nor rational. It is just the fragments of space left over from the cycle of giving I lived in for so long.
I am now seeking God to offer the happiness that is the vail of happiness I think will disappear. So will exploring my cycle of happiness with God accomplish a calm within me. Or change my character to one that finds happiness by serving Him in all things and rejoicing in the happiness that manifest and seeps deep into the part of my soul the Holy Spirit Dwells? I know the answer for the moment I met the Holy spirit my heart changed and so did I. Forever I want a disciple to be, as my calling. I sometimes say I was a liking to Paul throwing stones at God only to fall at his feet weeping for days.So I asked myself?
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3. I have the plank of illness, but no-one can pull it out of my eyes. I am working on reading scripture to myself until the plank becomes a sliver and that sliver I remove with grace. Sometimes I feel I have a lost family I reach out yet they are in a world of calm and understanding. they see not the pain that one can experience or the exhaustion that has no meaning at all. I find their love pure and true, they have just been lost in the desert many years. God please give me the understanding and perseverance to have the strength to pray for their eyes to see even at my own sufferage.- this hurts the most – “mom did you get my 3 calls and 4 emails? all about different important things. even today a sister can drink the nectar of those who know of your love but are not dwelling in the pool of utopia. Pain they say is just in your head wondering a path that has many diverse roads, each will take you to a place, the road signs are all but lost. If I find the road to the flame, perhaps this scripture will will help put out the flames
Psalm 32:3-6 The Message
When I kept it all inside,
my bones turned to powder,
my words became daylong groans.
4 The pressure never let up;
all the juices of my life dried up.
5 Then I let it all out;
I said, “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to God.”
Suddenly the pressure was gone—
my guilt dissolved,
my sin disappeared.
6 These things add up. Every one of us needs to pray;
when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts
we’ll be on high ground, untouched.
Then I turn to the pain that are so strong the burning and electricity in my hurt so bad in my hips or legs what then will I do. I must turn to the lord – I Listened as I was reading the Bible tells us of light and of dark, but never anything but the truth. I believed my pain would find an end through Psalm 77:1-2 not what you would think but it rested my soul.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
God He is the only one who can hear me – He will hold me tight all will come to fruition.
God – The reason I am able to overcome obstacles and yet, the closer I come to him the serpent in all his glory – He has glory for he is able to turn those bound for Christ to him (So Sad). Today was a day I needed God to carry me on his shoulders, rather I needed Him to carry me in His arms. I kept tripping falling over and over, the same obstacle the same plank in my eye. For as much as I thought I will survive this I am stronger than any pain. Pain is not real just a system of nerve responses to stimuli that attack from the world around us. I wanted a shower, I wanted to take my husband on a mini date – go get a little snack from the store then watch NCIS together. This was my surprise. I put the wheelchair in the corner folded up and forgotten – I need you know more, my children had their dinner and a movie to watch. I said give me a few minutes and I’ll come sit with you. Two minutes into the shower my daughter wants to know if she can help me because Dad called he’s on his way home and the sweet girl she was she let dad know I was upstairs on my own – the #1 no-no for Jenn. No more passing out. No more hurting myself. I claimed a pacifist yet there are moments I want to shave my head and punch my face in.
So that’s my story Go let the serpent play with me today as Job, to see if I would hold strong to Him and overcome this adversity. So what do I do I take it out on everyone and everything I can see for at least and hour. I became that vision of a person I had put in a box and promised never to let out.
The only way to overcome the feeling of loneliness, separated from your family, separated from your God. IS GOD
The only way to find a door out of the screaming in your head and the will of perfection is GOD, Your Heavenly Father – The Holy Almighty!, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Yahweh! and knower of all things great and small! I want to run God let’s satan give us that notion. If we are old enough to have children we know no matter where you go your problems follow. Hard Lesson but oh so true! –
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2 (NIV)
It is time to reach for the word renewed inch by inch – fall down get up not by the Father, I must surrender completely, repetitively . Get back in the machine, persevere until they find the reason for your neurological pain. God’s timing is not mine!!!! God I don’t understand but forgive, Love you for your timing it always brings Glory! He will in His time make me the Beauty he wants me! For His Glory this is me, Broken, but steadfast!! Therefore let my mind be cleansed as with ethanol to a wound keep it from fearing the just the intimacy forgotten – Satan has been Rebuked from my soul~Amen
God please use me to share your word with as many people as possible so that I may carry out what you set out for me to do in this condition. For all the people lifting me up, Thank you is not enough. You are the true disciples of our Father
Yahweh! Please send me words of encouragement, come, come I will serve you tea, I will wash your feet, for I am no better than our Father. I Know I need two or more gathered together so our God will be with us and in us as we pray.
May God Carry me – Bessings~Jenn
- Committed to Prayer! (jacobjuncker.wordpress.com)