Time for Change

Every once in a while I get the felling I have not put myself in the right position. That I am for lack of better words stuck.  This is a true reality today and I am sadly unable to configure the time-line and steps needed to make a significant change.

Regardless of the obvious changes I need to make in my life there are also some mental/physical/personal changes that need to be made.  First I need to stop thinking that sharing with my best friend everything will accomplish what I need, for they are not in my head and honestly do not have all the pieces, not for intentional holding back rather omission due to thinking they already have the information needed.  Rule one never assume.

I need to stop talking, not only is the word I have to say mundane and repetitive but the words are not coming across as they should – I have a junction between my lips and others ears that is encrypted and without a cypher.

I am getting older and with that wiser is the common notion.  I read, stay current with local and national news to an extent. I found that with small children in the home keeping my thoughts from negative information was wise.  It was a wonderful day when I learned that what we see stays with us, regardless of our decision to omit that from our thoughts.  Somewhere in our filing system of a brain that note, article, accident you tried not to look but did – the phone call you overheard can be brought back in vivid color with the tiniest sent, touch, saying etc.  therefore I do try to find less violent information to stay privy too.

I have a desire to please the people around me.  I want in an unobtainable way to make each person proud.  This notion has caused me more pain than them pleasure, so in my decision to change I am going to step back from attempting to make people proud instead to linger on the moments that make them smile, feel Joy and finding pleasure.  Storing away those precious moments, to relive again and again.

Having a child leave for college changes things. for one why is it when you make a vow to not do “ONE” thing, it seems to be the one thing you do all the time? I am going to feel a void when the college student is no longer living at home.  A place that was filled will be empty. For me this void means much more than just saying see you soon do well, but rather a very large piece of me will be going as well.  Although I don’t see eye to eye with everyone about that in my personal space (My Blog is my personal space) I will feel and express the loss.  For this is something I never envisioned happening and I am suffering inside, trying to find the courage to stay upright, calm and supportive.  If I could hand them the world I would have done it three months ago – for a promise to jump out of a plane never happened and I never wanted to break a promise.

Changes are unique – they can make a wonderful flower bloom, or they can crush a tiny ant.  The changes I am attempting to make ma seem odd or even not valuable, intelligent to some.  I feel though that the only way I am going to find God find peace and find that tiny box with the couch on it filled with the most-perfect set of independent letters on it, this has to happen.  I was not born a stoic person I was born emotional down to the very root cell of my body.  I am making a change to those cells – may the change alter them in a way each soul I touch sees the makings of a wise parent, a prolific writer, and above all a steadfast wife. 

Here is to the launching of the change 10…9…8…7…6…5….4….3…2…1

Blessings~Jenn

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