When will I wake

I sent a text message to a friend when she asked how I was doing.  She is my best friend and she never steers me wrong.  I enjoy our relationship because God nudged me in 2003 and I followed His lead and today my friend responded to my text with: “Thant makes me think of Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Nudge) She had no idea what today was made up of yet it is this Psalm she led me to.  I shudder at the reality of my circumstances for I long to be the Mother to my children, be a an example of Christ in all I do and follow my husband through the fire and the grassland, where ever we are led. Time is something that I feel I have Lost – I try not to lose things, in fact I want order to my life, if that is one circumstance I can control.

I look up as I am waking from a nap after  a long period  having my head  upright to long, the spinal headache took over. I stretch as much as I can and then I listen, there is no light no sounds no movement…. It is 12:45am where did the time go? God please permit me to have a thirst not only of a deep well of your truth, but of time as well. Bond that time for me to look into my children’s eyes and based on their age, speak your words into them.  I see that in my daughter, she has the strongest resolve I have seen. Her walk seems trying, but she falls head first into your loving arms with wild abandon.  I long for that feeling, the deep understanding that God has never and will never let me fall, for He is there to catch me.  I feel the Spiritual Warfare growing stronger, I want to have the strength to battle the enemy, daily.  I miss church, my christian reading group, small groups for bible study and serving others.  I miss the floating essence of prayer.  Perhaps when I wake  again the battle will take a different turn.  Today – rather yesterday was a deep tug on the heart and my husband felt it too. Without change the water grows stagnant, and where there is stagnant water , vile grows from the deep and also on the surface.   I am tired of throwing the rocks to keep a ripple going – May I find an instrument of God to continue that labor as I labor to find the time I have lost.

Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jeremiah 17:14 NIV

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One thought on “When will I wake

  1. Jenn, I cry for you my dear. I sense your deep despair and pray that God will sustain you in this trying time. Words from me won’t help but God’s Word does. Praying for you often.

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