Sometimes in life the easiest things become the hardest. For instance when you are limited on the ability to go to church, so your faith wanes, not because you want it to but because it becomes hard. I read nothing but Christian novels, I read the to not think about the pain and get my brain at least thinking about God and all he can do. See thats the funny thing, I know he is there I know he is watching there to hold my hand and life me up. The thing that frightens me is that I am unable to reach out and take his hand. Dont get me wrong, I am a believer, Christ is my savior, but I feel as if God is becoming further and further away – Why I don’t know, is the pain becoming something that I just cannot handle anymore? Did you know for a brief moment my Faith Burst with Fire and sever faith when BJ got his job and the insurance didn’t have pre-existing conditions. That was a blessing. The Hope was huge, now time passes, the doctors I see don’t know about the Syrnix. It is hard, I don’t want to travel to New York to see the expert if I can find someone here. The case manager has given me more information about the Syrnix than I have ever known. There was affirmation, 90% of my symptoms are textbook to the information of the syrnix. So I feel alone, and waiting. BJ would take this from me if he could, and that in itself hurts. No one can really know what I am feeling, some believe and give me peace and prayers. Then there are the people who think if I would just walk three miles a day or just keep moving and exercise I would be better. Those are the moment that hurt the most, the “I have back pain and I am fine, try this”. My doctor has seriously limited my activity. My Physical Therapy is ready to work on my and help with the SI Joint dysfunction, but refuses until I have my discs and syrnix taken care of. So I wait, and the longer I wait the closer I come to falling. Yesterday was the ten-year anniversary of 9/11 so I used that as a reason to cry to try to let it all out. I cried for several hours yesterday for those lost, for those who were left behind, and for me and me the loss of hope and faith. Today I wake to wonder how to I find the things I am needing so I can envelop me back to the faith that used to comfort me. I know that with all things Christ will be with and for us.
The Bible says in Galatians 5 The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. So that being said how does one who is separated from small group due to my health – I no longer work because I have two items that make it impossible. I really feel as if I am nothing and without worth, searching for that answer. BJ says I am a wonderful mother, I find that the inability to vacuum, empty the bottom shelf of the dishwasher, stretching to make the kids beds, even moving laundry causes pain. It’s not that I don’t want to be a great Mom. My family means more that anything to me. I am blessed with family that loves me, even a special woman who gives me more love and faith than I can ever repay. She has been there as a steady path through the roughest of these times, even taking time from her schedule to take me to my doctors appointments. So with Family and Love why is it that I am so far from God in this time? I want to walk the path feel his warmth surrounding me again.
Hope is the one thing I feel is draining from me, because I am unable to make the pain release and I am no longer able to keep placing on the mask, keeping joyful thoughts, making life amazing. I no longer want to be a burden on my family. I need that moment of hope, the small mustard seed – I want to grow.
I’m open and waiting for the seed to find its way to my garden~ Lord please send me those who will fill me up with Hope~ Jenn