~For the Strong of Heart~

Not sure I can do this anymore.  You wait and wait and then wallah another crappy day.  I am so tired of crappy days.  Today was special, I am over emotional, overwhelmed and accomplishing nothing.  Have you ever wanted to just have one good day.  to be able to pick up your house the way your family deserves.  To make a difference in someones life? I have tried, I have really tried but the demon inside makes it hurt to try.  Yes I am emotional, and yes I have a plate that mostly overflows.  There are two really big events coming up that I have been a part of for almost 6 years and now I am not, never to know when of if I will be able to again.  I look around and pray that I can accomplish the task in front of me.  So many other people do accomplish their homes without batting an eye.  Today I am almost done with the laundry – Really the laundry what about the rest of the house?

I can see the disappointment,  It is supposed to be for my own good, but i miss the little stuff, heck I miss the big stuff too.  I used to feel like an amazing mother.  Today I feel like my husband is much more a mother to our children than I.  Today I just want to imagine a better life – this hindrance is tearing me apart.  I need God to intervene, I need God.  I know this blog is read by few but yet I feel as if I need to be cautious as to my candidness.  My only goal for this blog is for me to have a place to put down the things I cannot say out-loud.

I used to have fun on the computer it let me express who I am, and probably drove everyone crazy…. The thing is I feel broken and useless.  I was told it is my responsibility to get the downstairs vacuumed everyday, but I am not allowed to vacuum, I have to make sure my husband or eldest do. Seriously what am I supposed to do – Changing the laundry hurts, driving hurt, I have a hard time putting away dishes.  I put a mask on for Family because its easier that way.  Or maybe it’s because I don’t believe God is going to help me figure this thing out it is just going to be another long process for nothing that leaves us even more financially stripped, and here I am Not Able To Work!!!!

I am ready for my family to have a better life,I am tired of the one who always has a problem – I don’t want any problems, Heck I would give my left eye or leg for this pain to go away!!! That and the one other thing that will never happen, I wish a particular person I told this to would believe me and support me in the way God has made our roles in life.  Seriously it hurt way to down in my soul for me to understand this body of water without a bridge.

So for today there it is~ Just over it~

Jenn

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