Sometimes time is easy to come by, it finds you in the shower lounging, enjoying the last of the hot water. Sometimes it finds you chasing it hunting down each second like it might blow up if you don’t catch it. You don’t recognize it when you are reading or wondering. You think its out to get you when its time for dinner or a doctors appointment, or time to pick up the Keds Box of Medicine. Time was a wandering rolling ball of yarn today, fast and then slow, then it fell down the stairs until it ran out and I crumbled to the floor and surrendered to its end. Fridays gone, productive yes, hard yes, happy? Yes. Scared I was though – the lines thee people the onslaught of decisions that have to be made before time runs out. I had a shoulder, reliable person who offered to let me explore the unknown, the dark places with hidden evils without having to be alone. I found comfort in that, I found that sometime there is a danger, and sometimes there is a clown in the place of a monster. The cloths are dry, folded and on their way to their respective “places” I have wondered is my place on this side of the bed or is it the other side, and changing sides will make looking through life’s lens different. I am encouraged to have strength. It’s funny because I have strength, always have, what I don’t have is honest clarity. I am out of books and out of book money – I keep thinking perhaps a book will find its way into my mailbox, books keep me from thinking about the slow pace that time is creating. Books, I love them I eat them up. Christian Authors deserve nothing but special blessings for giving us a world to explore without the fear of secular words and actions. I am honored to have met a few authors, Wow!! I am honored to even have a rapport with a few as well. Someday my words might face the outside world – but I am content today to be blessed by others, so tomorrow I will look in my mailbox and pray for a book. – I know there is a library and I use it, a lot, but I am a feeling person I need to touch the book, today tomorrow and in six weeks when the line about going online to a christian/muslim website will bring me to tears and wake me up spiritually again.
I believe in miracles and I am not deserving of that grace, but I do know that I am a child of Christ who is confused, open and scared. I want to tell someone I love how much I am unable to discern in my head. I want for a loved one to know that I am Jenn everyday regardless of what I am supposed to be. I want to throw the Keds box away and ride a bike to Cleveland, GA. just to be close to a place that seems like home. I visited the gravesite of my grandmother on the way home Sunday, I prayed with my Uncle, I am still grieving, and in that I am growing stronger. I am not always nice, but I do belive that if I have a shirt on my back and you don’t I will give mine to you. I am still learning to say No and still learning to give when God whispers. I am learning to be still. I am a noodle, a person who thinks everywhere and back and in such you may never read past the first sentence, I understand. This is for me and one other person, each time I write there is someone specific I wish would read it. Today that person just might, and she just might understand.
I have many things to share many adventures to articulate. Many boxes to climb question and resolve!
A few specifics – Heidi Thank you for your honesty and great information
Nora – Thank you for expanding my knowledge of the love of Christ through words
Ellisa – Thank you for being daring enough to try, and look beautiful doing it!
BJ – For being a rock
Marvin – for finding shade when we needed it, and the strength to find peace when then need was still not met
The Unknown – Thank you for taking the time to read this and laugh, cry or be confused, you are the reason I write even if you don’t exist:)
To the Authors who have shared their words – Blessings to you and your craft – may it continue daily.
God – Please continue to work on those that need you most and those who claim to need you least, and may I be an image of you in my words and actions.