Facing my Fears

Tomorrow is the day.  I will go see the Neurosurgeon.  I have all the MRI’s and reports.  I am ready, I have a babysitter, a driver and a loving husband to hold my hand as we talk options with the doctor.  It’s time, I am tired of lying to family and friends, pushing people away, only because I don’t want to be the Icky one.  So my back has decided to not play fair, and seeing as I never listen to reason either, why not take a chance any chance to get that part of my life back that is so hard to not have anymore.  Those of you who know me at all know I am all in or you don’t see me.  I am going to in this process learn to take off the mask and say “Please Help”.  That has always been and still is the most giant hurdle I have ever had.  I usually plant flowers around it and ignore it, but it is time to break it down or say – I don’t understand this.  That is the strange thing as well, the medical field has had such amazing improvements, yet here I am petrified that someone is going to take one look at me and say deal with it!  ~It is truly amazing the effects one person/doctor can have on an already fragile self-image.  I am going and I am going strong. I have an amazing team for the initial leg.  If you love me and want to assist on the coming legs I humbly say yes I will accept out of love and not feel guilty for not being able to do it myself.  This blog is a life saver for me, for I can believe no one is out there that no one reads my download, but maybe just maybe someone will be out there and God will tell them what I need for my physical well-being, or what BJ needs as my support system, and even what my family needs because they are in this wasteland of a hurting mother and a hard-working dad.

We wait in hope for the Lord,

he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O lord,

even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 33: 20-22

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