A late night – or early morning

Time for a little mental spring cleaning, I pray if you take the time to read this you do so with an open and honest heart. I will always be honest in return, you know how to reach me…Jenn

I cleaned the kitchen, I watched T.V., i followed the laundry through its continual process through the sort, wash, dry fold/hang wear and placement in the laundry again. I am watching the loss of little crops of emotion this evening. Ever since I made the appointment to go see the neurosurgeon I am scared, terrified, and just plan eating too much. I know pain is pain and everyone deals with their own demons. I am struggling because my demon likes to keep me from church, not specifically but likes to make anything that has to do with driving a decision in how much do I want to endure. My friend Nora, the most wonderful faith-based woman holds a book club, something I have had the honor of attending three times. That small connection was an outlet a place to go and let my brain talk about wonderful words, great books, talk to authors, eat cookies and be normal for brief moments once a month. I am sad to say they probably don’t remember me anymore. I do though plan to show up again, as soon as possible and find that surge of truth love and writing again. Have you ever been afraid? I mean really afraid, the kind where you scrub you scrub your oven door with soft scrub, then turn on the over cleaner, all the fans in the house, turn the air to 76 and pray no-one wakes up thinking the house is on fire. I cannot seem to get anything clean enough. Yes I know that is my subconscious telling me that I am not able to clean away this situation. The doctor told me to sit! Sit! Sit! not cleaning, making dinner, doing laundry, driving but I do. I am a mom, that’s what Moms do, right? I love my family with everything that is good in this world. I am blinded by their joy! Owen is an active child who needs to have a constant play mate, and most of the time I am proud to be asked to be that person. So what do I do my family is in Alabama, my grandmother, God Bless her has more on her plate than I ever will and in comparison I need to suck it up and eat the homemade humble pie. I know though that the one who has called me to be his daughter, to live life according to his purpose, would not want me to give up on my family, my health or my ability to do for others. I am just scared! How can I not be. To be open about this is terrifying, yet I feel led to do so!

Is there a way to lay down, and still be super Mom….. No – so I don’t and I pay the price. The thing that hurt the most is knowing that I did this. If I had found a way to not pick up the rugrats, to not clean when and how it needs to be done. If i had Died as a Mom I wouldn’t be here! Reality is not that way. I was okay, dealing with it keeping the mask on – I think. Then it happened, the Jennifer who never wants to tell certain people things was in a corner, I was stressed, hurting and stuck. Funny thing is that I came out of my shell and am still here. I cannot, I will not put my eldest through things that are not right for her at this age! I am a Mom and I love her with every cell of my body, and God knows, if she has a party, event, sleepover, painting party or just wants to sit and read I am and will let her do that. There have been far to many of her beautiful years having to be strong. We were blessed when she was seven with the love and support of BJ. Before then she and I we made it happen. I want the rest of her life to be responsible and enjoyable! God gave me her as the greatest gift in the world, and I plan to honor and glorify Him by giving her the opportunities to make her path, her way! Amen. BJ says the definition of insane is saying or doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I believe that make me on the brink. I go to bed each night praying that this was all a dream and I will wake restored, I wake each morning praying the same thing – alas it is not true. I keep my friends at bay – who wants to know me, I am a downer. I want to be a fun-loving person, but I am just a shell of my former self. The blessing of BJ’s continued love is heaven-sent. Thank you God, any you rejuvenate him in many ways for all he has done to keep me strong. We have sacrificed – He went back to school to get his degree. The thing people don’t see on the outside is that, that sacrifice was not only for him. I am so proud of Him!!! That sacrifice made it possible to place him in a job that doest look at me as a preexisting condition. In today’s world, that is only a blessing from Christ Himself!! Amen. So for three years I have persevered and I have worked, that again could not have been done without the hand of God. We have been surrounded and touched in a multitude of small ways by the love of so many friends and strangers, for that I am eternally grateful. I want to find that peace, the answer, but I am scared. I have not been able to ask for what I need and I am running out of time.

I need to be able to stay off my feet, take care of my upper and lower back per my neurologists instructions. I need to pray for a miracle so that I can eradicate the debt that holds us down. I need to be able to find a way to be with my children without traveling all over the house. You don’t realize the true amount of labor involved in keeping a house running until you are faced with the knowledge of the detriment those items can do to you. I am supposed to walk with a cane, not use the stairs, only drive to doctors appointments. make sure to eat heathy and sleep. Well I do smile:) I fix breakfast, lunch and dinner, clean the kitchen before after and during each. Make snacks, run laundry, make beds, feed the dog, play Lego’s, trains, Wii and read the library books. I go up the stairs 100% as much as I come down them. I do really try to use the railing and limit the falls – they have happened, sum I share, sum I ignore. The thing is I Love being a Mom, always have!!! It is something God wanted for me, I believe. So if that is true how do I make this work? I cannot ask my friends and family to be Mom. It is not my nature. It is not my spirit.

So I pray, I pray I will not be afraid, that I am not causing the damage they said I would if I didn’t just stay off my feet. I pray I am able to find a doctor who has some solutions and that he is able to help me be me again. Does anyone remember the Joy I found in Tennis, or walking for that matter? I used to Dance to David Crowder with the kids really loud. I don’t want my kids saying Mom does your back still hurt anymore. I am tired.

Thank you God for placing BJ in the wonderful job he is in!! I know that even though it is tough you have promised that you will sustain us, so I thank you in advance for those blessings! I thank you for the people you know you want me to meet, have in my life, and I thank you for the doctors who you have already seen put me where you want me. I pray Lord this writing is an action of obedience to you and a way to honor you by following your plan for me without fail. You never said I would not be afraid, I do ask you to take this for my load is too heavy. Thank you for my family and friends, thank you for my loving husband! Heavenly Father, Thank you for loving me, forgiving me and teaching me to grow. Please Lord let me know how to meet my needs, physical, emotional, financial, spiritual and trivial, I am listening!

Your Daughter – Jenn

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